I am confused. Am I wrong to question the religion I was raised? I know the bohemians would have a riot with that. But I respect my elders and have found I've been wrong often. And I also have seen more thruths in the religion I was raised in than anyother. But there argument for assimilation mirrors their competitors. The battle for your soul's eternal life. There is no way I can make an intelligent decission without being knowledgable of my own conception of truth; knowing God personally. And besides that. Discussion of our afterlife should be secondary to what we do with the seventy or so years ahead of us. I think. I think, I don't know what to do. Sorry, for leaving you with so many run on sentences.
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I'm seriously unsure about my future. I don't like school. I didn't like Peet's and sometimes I don't like my music.
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i need a change.
either i'm running or i'm enduring.
either/or
its rainging in portland today
and sunny in the bay.
so perfect sense states
i was born for a different state
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| 2008-03-28 23:46 |
| (no subject) |
| Public |
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 ecstatic |
| Minus the bear - Absinthe party at the honey flyhouse |
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"...maybe if the melody is filled with both the ecstasy and joy of living me." her space holiday - the ringing in my ears
"...we'd look good side by side walking back to the hotel." minus the bear - absinthe party at the honey flyhouse
I miss sleeping in the city.
My profile picture represents a slow departure
out of childhood, but incase not knock on wood.
I am irresponsive to irresponsible friends
minus the nights i lay awake at night
my shutters capture images from left to right
i hold more dimension than before.
3 or for more.
Nothing better than getting your her space holiday and and favorite minus the bear cd in the mail.
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How true my subject quote of XOXO panda was. Maybe, the dramatic portions of my life are just an explosion of hormones. Maybe not. But right around this time the shroud that blinds all, but the sincerest hope from me clears. Music production is underway. People and places I swore I would hate forever hold a new found love in my heart. And how my heart can feel love again is only due to my creator.
Unforseen occurences continue to rain on me, but the rain cloud isn't black anymore. The cloud is white, floating with optimism, and beaming with a rainbow. So, I continue on my next CD. A month ago I wasn't sure if I would ever make music again. I asked if I'm takeing from life by giving my time to music.
My awnser appeared as crinkled paper with angry verses. I ironed the page, erased the lyrics, and replaced them with hearts. All we write on the pages of life is erasable. Good and bad. I folded the paper into an airplane and tossed it. As the plane broke through a new, thin air, I posed the question: Will anyone notice my airplane? No, will anyone be affected positivley by my airplane? Will someone see it and try to build their own airplane?
The airplane was noticed, received, and brought a smile to two girls I don't even know in states I've never been.
So, i've decided to run with an awnser to continue.
Till nxt time.
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If great things come to those who wait, then what the fuck is comming? I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. Maybe I'm receiving and do not see it. Or maybe, just maybe theres nothing magical to life. I've seen miracles and been high. But not these days. All I can do I paste together sound bites all day.
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Boys like me "are a dime a dozen." Overly sensitive, low selfesteem, drug addict, alcoholics. We smoke, too much. We have illusions grandeur(E?)
Ok! Now thats out of the way. I just got home from a death metal concert. I'm not a patron of the genre, but when offered free tickets to the Warfield...well like they say..when in Rome. ha ha ha! I'm going to post my pictorial documentation on myspace, but to say the least it was a...a.. an adventure, or maybe .. I don't know! I'm so confused. I've had one hour of sleep and Oh gosh! Fuck it I'm out.
Love,
Brian W. McHaney
p.s I had a habanero peeper
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I just cleaned my room! And, this is it... I'm quitting nictoine, in fact... I'm packing my last lip. The basics: I had a hard last month, I've been writing and recording my personal stuff, (the band I'm in)finished recording our CD at Expressions college.
This last month I had a hard time making rent. But, jobs come and go when you run your own buisness. I was house stitting, too. House sitting seems to bring out the worst in me. Add no sleep and I'm depressed. Life took a turn for the better last week when I made rent and saw I'd been swetting nothing. All my close friends were/are going through hard times. I don't want to loose any of them. Apart from being there for them, thats out of my control and it drives me. Drives me on this music porject I'm doing, drives me in my recovery program, and drives me back to home. And home is friends and music. As I get older, home is becoming a feeling and not a place.
My new project is mainly Electronic. IDM mabye? If that makes any sense. I'm applying what I'm learning in Vocal's class so if you heard the regret-a-thon there won't be as much of my Mania induced vocals (still a little ; ).
Anyways, hope your life is going swell. Write soon-
Brian W. McHaney
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My fellow Brian from imperial Kevin insists that the world is ending. From what I can understand he belives this because everything is going so, gosh darn fast that it must be heading to on pinnacle moment. I'm posted here listening to my new favorite Tilly and the wall song Coughing Colors. I've been listening to music again. I went through a period of 6 months or so where I'd mainly make music, but the last few days I've been wearing a cd player a lot. Its been reinspiring. Been writing music. Getting ready for my next personal project. I just have so much fun making the CD its self. Its such an EPIC prcoess. Maybe I should get on EPIC records. Just kidding!
Yeah, I am emo, but it makes me, me and I love me as I love you. Goodnight
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I finished recording a free flow (acoustic not rap) in my apartment. I won't be able to record anymore because I'm moving to kentfield. I'm so easily thrown. I hate this woman AMY she has me wrapped around her finger. I hate my head for causing me so much fear all the time. I'm sooo selfish all the time. But I have brief periods of serenity. And when I stop smoking, like earlier today, I'm either filled with tears of joy or red hots of anger. Goodnight
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When I mob through the hood my congreatation sings
Droppin F bombs left and right like fiends
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I'm quitting nictoine...again! I must be crazy. Ohhhh the instant mesasngers show was fun, but sad at the same time. I feel like I was born on a different planet from some guys. Maybe I have a major psychiatric problem. or...maybe theres two different kinds of guys. because i would never dream of throwing a girl up in the air that didn't expect it. or freakign up on some girl I don't know. that made me sad. i know the problem is in me, but these character defects of mine are the hardest for me to see. Again, sensefield's save yourself always come to mind when I reawaken these spots of memories. oh and love is a rouge wave. you'll always get hit out of no where. but they say that the captain he stays with the ship through thick and storm.... but! this ain't the dacota(spelling?)!
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I know that the season is approaching summer. I feel that these swan wings are ready to spread and fly to winter. Another winter at home.
I'm taking a vacation in my mind. To a winter a rainy winter. Like cats and dogs. And here is the soundtrack:
Jawbreaker- Ache
Brighteyes- If Winter Ends
Mineral- five, eight, and ten
Modest Mouse- Ohio
Lawrence Arms- Quincentuple Your Money
Sujan Stevens- For the Windows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti
At the Drive-In- Feathers
Brand New- Play crack the Sky
Decemberists- Engine Driver
Elliott Smith- 2:45 AM
The Weakerthans- Everything must go
Death Cab for Cuite- Company Calls Epilogue
Wilco- Kamera
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my days are black and white. selfish or caring. my sponsor had me right a list of goals I wanted to meet by the end of the year. they're happening fast. too, fast at time for this coy virgo.i wanted to play in a band, making music i like. that opportunity was given to me this last monday. great guys, too. i mean the the two guitarists. i haven't met the drummer yet. if they want to keep me, i'll be playing a show with them june 16th. i wanted to pass a course at college of marin. apart from a few missed assigments, i'm passing with a C grade. probably not drinking is the biggest gift i'm receiving. never mind my bollocks. they haven't been of much good in the past. just a whole lot of trouble and hurt. anyways, i have adoration for you, livejournal.
p.s- my tiny heart has put in a request to my brain. "less nicotine and more vi·car·i·ous·ness."
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We all want to break the cycle, like Jeff Ott. I can only hope to by amends and keeping my side of the street clean. I'm hyped that my CD is about to be done. I'm putting together the track listing. I need to add a little bass here and there. I do not think enough people will want copies of it, but I'll be hopeful. Happy seasons, everybody.
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Live Journal still understands. lol. Last night I must've been high or something. just got back from speaking to some very upstanding children at redwood highschool. i could not belive how many of them there were at 8:50 in the morning. when i was a freshman at tL? forget about it. c'yah at bright eyes, *twitch*
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I could take a stab and say that life is not bad. I do not feel terrific right now. Life does not go my way, sometimes. I usually think the things I want most and the things I can not have. I have to keep thinking of others. Like, whats next? Who can I help?
Now, I'll miss quote Lawrence Arms...
Its a pride and a pain that are one in the same. Theres a soap in my brain and its all covered with prayers. And something will explode. And someone will cry. And someone will run out and never turn around. Theres a pup in the city where I use to go. It kills me to know that its changed. Theres these kids who have have dreams and these dream will grow. Its Grownups like them and loser like me.
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I barley remember being fifteen to seventeen. Theres so many experiences I never had that others share. That is ok with me, but I get a galre from my eyes when I look in the mirror. "These are the light days," they say. Mos Def is listening to Mostly Deflepord. My very life as an ex-problem drinker relies on you. So lets kick it!
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I can not belive how much my mood has changed since my last two livejournal entrys. To quote the late (and don't quote me for quoting them) Blink182, "I'm feeling this!" I'm trying my hardest to do the next right thing. PuttinG work into the label. I have some homework I have to do. My EMOoceans still crash and splash, but who doesn't have a love affair with themselves every once in a blue moon? Want to make more music! Want to be in band! Must fix equipment!
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Thank you. I have been tripping myself out a lot latley over girls. I have forgotten spiritual progress comes first. I think if I don't try to self will it I'll never get the girl I want. But because of that I fall short and focus on something other than a power I've given my life over to's will. Pray for my sad ass
I've started yet another music project- the wabba afain project.
details comming soon
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